Chapter 12

s since last summer.

t sold me, ttered t brief moment, time opped and i understood everyt ood o do tood first nig o ears in ood ime and i kept coming by tely clear.

ed cmas at to be so special . . .

to college . . .

hy shed given me her bible . . .

it all made perfect sense, and at time, noto make any sense at all.

jamie sullivan had leukemia . . .

jamie, s jamie, was dying . . .

my jamie. . .

“no, no,“ i o be some mistake. . . .”

but t, and blank. my arted to spin, and i clung to igo keep from losing my balance. on treet i saos to keep trotted across topped to smell some busanding on a stepladder, taking doing to go away.

“im so sorry, landon,“ s saying over and over. it my confusion kept me from saying anything.

deep do go ao do, tears filling my eyes, trying and failing to be think she needed.

e cried togetreet for a long time, just a little opened tely t t . e cried er t afteoon, and my moto boted to call tor because t someto my fat made t to ion, o be o before hed even finished.

everyone in tion stared in silent disbelief at t ing for a punco some none of told. t once, the wailing began.

e sat told me, and jamie patiently ansions. s kno anytors could do. it didnt respond to available treatment. yes, ed, s fine. it until t fe sarted to feel its effects.

“ts progresses,“ s;you feel fine, and t keep fig.”

stifling my tears, i couldnt t the play.

“but all t have-”

“maybe,“ sting me off. “doing t kept me hy for so long.”

later, sold me t seven montors had given her a year, maybe less.

t mig. treated her.

t ty years ago, and i kne meant.

only a miracle could save her.

“ you tell me?”

tion i asked id been t. i slept t nigill so sadness to anger and back again, all nig so and praying t terrible nightmare.

e o tion. it was january 10, 1959.

jamie didnt look as depressed as i t s t o knorusted even me. i and frig time.

“id made a decision,“ so me, “t it ter if i told no one, and i asked my fato do ter today. no one to live, is t ?”

i kne it didnt make it any easier. i time in my life, completely and utterly at a loss.

id never o me die before, at least not anyone t i could remember. my grandmot remember a single t feer ories, of course, from bot to me ts exactly ories i mig some ake me flo only for t behind.

no one in my family or my circle of friends o confront someteen, a cill very muc time. i only for for me as o ever get angry in okay to talk about ture anymore? my fear made talking to , tient h me.

my fear, made it all ed to spend time een days. teen days seemed like my entire life, but now, w here would be.

on monday s s s lunco class. sh school forever; she would never receive her diploma.

i couldnt concentrate on anyt in class t first day back, listening as teacer teacold us of us had already heard.

to told stories about can o me for answers.

“i dont kno; was all i could say.

i left sc to jamies, bloer lunch.

t t, it seemed, a care in the world.

“; s;this is a surprise.”

o kiss me, i kissed to cry.

“my fat no if youd like to sit on the porch, we can.”

“; i asked suddenly. “end t nothing is wrong?”

“im not pretending t not me get my coat and outside and talk, okay?”

s me, ing for an ansoget and patted my arm.

“ill be rig; she said.

i o t do later. s, gloves, and a to keep er nearly as cold as it ill, t oo much for her.

“you in scoday,“ i said.

s;i know.”

“are you ever going to come back?“ even to from her.

“no,“ sly, “im not.”

“ sick already?“ i started to tear up, and s and took my hand.

“no. today i feel pretty good, actually. its just t i to be o go to t to spend as mucime h him as i can.”

before i die,s to say but didnt. i felt nauseated and couldnt respond.

“ors first told us,“ s on, “t i sry to lead as normal a life as possible for as long as i could. t h up.”

“t t; i said bitterly.

“i know.”

“arent you frightened?”

someed o sayno, to say someto explain to me t presume to understand the lords plan.

s;yes,“ s;im frigime.”

“t you act like it?”

“i do. i just do it in private.”

“because you dont trust me?”

“no,“ s;because i know youre frigoo.”

i began to pray for a miracle.

time, and id read about them in newspapers.

people regaining use of ter being told terrible accident raveling preacent up outside of beaufort, and people o co a couple, and t most of t even i couldnt explain. old man so berenc an act- imes o sneak off . but tarted praying feveris loud, making people practically jump out of ts. errified look on ouce- poker, but ttering t;i can ; even believe it. “t; to , “can do anytens to our prayers.”

so t nig jamie mas and began to read. noo be frank, i just remembered ts-tes could leave egypt, jonaer or raising lazarus from too. i kne practically every cer of tacular, but i leaed tians ament, and i didnt kno t books like jos nig i read ticus , folloeronomy. t a little sloain parts, especially as all t i couldnt put it do i didnt fully understand.

it e one nigired by time i eventually reac some i y-tarts, “t ,“ but i ed to read to be more important ter an ion t i assumed jamie ed because it meant someto it said:i cry to you, my lord, my rock! do not be deaf to me, for if you are silent, i so t like t. ition as i cry to you for oward your holy of holies.

i closed tears in my eyes, unable to finishe psalm.

some for me.

“i dont knoo do,“ i said numbly, staring into t of my bedroom lamp. my mom and i ting on my bed. it difficult mont in february t worse.

“i kno; s;but thing you can do.”

“i dont mean about jamie being sick-i kno t.

i mean about jamie and me.”

my mot me sympatically. s jamie, but s me. i on.

“its o talk to t be able to. so i spend all my time at sc t o knoo say.”

“i dont knoo make ter.”

“t should i do?”

s me sadly and put ;you really love you,“ she said.

“it.”

s;s your telling you to do?”

“i dont know.”

“maybe,“ sly, “youre trying too o .”

t day i ter mucold myself t i say anyt mig id try to talk to s exactly . i sat myself on old some of my friends and ball team. i told i still t i old o graduation. i spoke as to scire time. jamie smiled and nodded at te times, asking questions every no i time i finisalking t it time i . it didnt feel rigo either of us.

my elling me exactly thing.

i tued to t it would guide me.

“; i asked a couple of days later.

by noake on a sligint, and tarting to shrough her skin.

again i saw bruises. e were inside oo muco bear.

despite all till looked beautiful.

“im doing okay,“ sly. “tors seems to tle.”

id been coming by every day. time seemed to be slo exactly time.

“can i get anything for you?”

“no, thank you, im doing fine.”

i looked around t her.

“ive been reading t; i finally said.

“you ; up, reminding me of t believe t only six weeks had gone by.

“i ed you to know.”

“im glad you told me.”

“i read t nig; i said, “ to job to test h.”

s to pat my arm, on my skin. it felt nice. “you ss not about god in one of ter moments.”

“ to him?”

“i dont kno; she said.

“do you ever feel like job?”

stle times.”

“but you lost your faith?”

“no.“ i kne i think i was losing mine.

“is it because you t get better?”

“no,“ s;its because its t.”

after t, arted reading toget some to do, but my elling me t till mighing more.

at nig it.

reading to focus on, and all of a sudden everytarted to get better bet as doing someto offend could be more rig kno, i ted ture, and occasionally he room.

otimes id be sitting beside tc of t time, and it. s it.

sometimes s i t, and i did my best, too, ts ;is t really means to you?“ s it before trying again. sometimes, t rate, hand on my knee and all.

one friday nig my table and sat in t we could be alone.

it ting t been leaving his was a good change for her.

since sold me about opped ill as stunning as it time id seen do-my mom s s inside-ook her hand.

“tonig; i said.

sued tention back to me. “ting me.”

i paused. “her holding up?”

jamie sig;not too .”

“he loves you dearly, you know.”

“i know.”

“so do i,“ i said, and en her again.

“ill you keep coming over to my ; s;even later, you know, when . . . ?”

i squeezed enougo let i meant w i said.

“as long as you me to come, ill be there.”

“e dont o read t to.”

“yes,“ i said softly, “i think we do.”

s;youre a good friend, landon. i dont kno you.”

suing tting across from me, s.

“i love you, jamie,“ i said again, but time s frigead our eyes met across table, and i co sued to me again. i kissed u.

“i love you, too,“ she finally whispered.

to hear.

i dont knoold about i someed it because ine c all. it o leave ter scinued. i ten as explained to jamie t ;okay, daddy,“ i alo open t me in, and silently pull out and , buttoning t up all t t zippers, t o me, even after jamie and id begun to read together.

till didnt like me in t to come in. i kne part of to do t jamie to get cting on teative o at t i t needed some time alone, too, and t talk to me about t time ay. i o stay in t was all.

jamie ill moving around fairly er reak ble part of january t lasted nine days, folloraigerest in leaving ter stand on t a couple of minutes to breathe fresh sea air.

her.

t least times every day. people to say came over, and t alloo let t in talked a little, boto meet her gaze.

t took tes to finally get to t. eric o apologize, imagine able, felt emotion id ever heard him express.

“youve got t of anyone ive ever met,“ o jamie, ;and even took it for granted and alo you, i ed to let you kno; t;youre t person ill probably ever know.”

as ing back ears and sniffling, margaret o o speak. ears from ood sloure of forgiveness. eric to o cry openly as sly caressed o ime as eric sobbed until oo exed to cry anymore.

t s tu, and sly thing.

o leave, ts and looked at jamie one more time, as if to remember t ted to t tiful, and i kno the same way.

“; eric said on t;ill be praying for you, and so ; toted me on t;you too,“ chem.

later, elling us, ed over $400 dollars for the orphanage.

i ed for the miracle.

it come.

in early february taking o tened pain sime ting ter tors cut back ance to ensified, and sometimes even raising her arm made her grimace.

leukemia is a disease of t runs its course t a persons body. terally no escape from it as long as kept beating.

but t of . in t for ance. t ime s. s back to ting the dizziness in place of pain.

still he bible.

ed jamie, i ually o carry ed to continue. to me about it, ly meant.

i of time, and my ill telling me t thing more i could do.

on february 14, valentines day, jamie picked out a passage from corint meant a lot to old me t if s ed read at it said:love is alient and kind. it is never jealous. love is never boastful or conceited. it is never rude or selfis does not take offense and is not resentful. love takes no pleasure in ot deligrut is alo excuse, to trust, to o endure wever comes.

jamie ruest essence of t very description.

ter, ure sliged s to see.

easte nortiful and special part of try, blessed emperate part, off t, near ty-four miles long and nearly a mile ure, running from east to , line a ness spectacular sunrises and sunsets every day of taking place over ty atlantic ocean.

jamie eamer pier as t souted off into tance and told o . i could see our breatwo of o every one of mine.

i o support jamie as ood ter tree t umn-but i kne it .

in time tered moon began its seeming rise from ting a prism of liger, splitting itself into a t parts, eaciful t. at exactly t, ting te direction, tuing ts gates and let all its beauty escape its ued golden silver as ting colors reflected off it, ers rippling and sparkling , t like time. tinued to loself, casting its gloinued its slo upued a t s, before finally becoming tars.

jamie ciguing to black and t tant soutook ly kissed bothen, finally, her lips.

“t,“ i said, “is exactly you.”

a er jamies trips to tal became more regular, alted t s to stay t. “i to die at ; do anyt to accept her wishes.

at least for time being.

“ive been t t fe; i said to her.

e ting in to lose its luster. yet blue eyes, were as lovely as ever.

i dont tiful.

“ive been t too,“ she said.

“you kne day in miss garbers class t i o do t you. me and smiled?”

s;yes.”

“and i fall in love, but you kne i o, didnt you?”

s;yes.”

“how did you know?”

s ans togets, c ble the windows.

“old you t i prayed for you,“ so me, “alking about?”

tinued, speeding up as marcaking more medicine for pain, and s too sick to omaco keep doo tal to stay, despite her wishes.

it .

my faton, ill in session. apparently my motold if come ely, as ay in ason forever.

old

too deep, t it oo late to do anything.

“t about your family, or even about reverend sullivan, or anyt ,“ so o accept ;t our son, tle girl who needs our help.

and youre going to find a o help her.”

i dont knoo or . all i kno jamie , cime nurses wor peeked in on imes a day.

jamie o stay at home.

t nig time in my life.

“do you s?“ i asked ube in ion s. so be supported by someone else.

“e all s, landon,“ s;but ive led a wonderful life.”

“?“ i cried out, unable to ;its o you?”

senderly at me.

“t; sted as s;could be better.”

despite my tears i laugely felt guilty for doing so. i o be supporting t on.

“but ot, ive been aug god. i can look back and kno i couldnt ried to ; s my eyes.

“ive even fallen in love and had someone love me back.”

i kissed , t against my cheek.

“its not fair,“ i said.

s answer.

“are you still afraid?“ i asked.

“yes.”

“im afraid, too,“ i said.

“i know. and im sorry.”

“ can i do?“ i asked desperately. “i dont knoo do anymore.”

“ill you read to me?”

i nodded, t kno t page breaking down.

please, lord, tell me o do!

“mom?“ i said later t night.

“yes?”

e ting on to , i slipped out of before i did, i kissed ly on t ions in me, kno i loved er but also kno id broken one of t he door.

i couldnt blame really. i found t spending time o feel by aug fe actions-not ts or intentions-o judge ot all t next to my mothe sofa.

“do you t; i asked.

it time id asked ion, but times.

“im not sure i understand ; she said, frowning.

“i mean- youre supposed to do?”

“are you asking me about spending time h jamie?”

i nodded, till confused. “sort of. i kno t . . . sometime alk and read t . . .”

i paused, and my mot for me.

“you think you should be doing more?”

i nodded.

“i dont kno t,“ sly.

“the way i do?”

stle closer on tcogether.

“i ts because youre frigrying, tinue to get ry, things seem.”

“is to stop feeling this way?”

s ;no,“ sly, “t.”

t day jamie couldnt get out of bed. because soo o , he bible in her room.

ses.

anot by and jamie greeadily worse, her body weakening.

bedridden, s like a little girl again.

“jamie,“ i pleaded, “w can i do for you?”

jamie, my s jamie, ime noalked to move at ths were rapid and weak.

i sat beside tcime, to my , feeling the boniness of her fingers.

part of me ed to cry rig instead i laid ued to face the window.

o someone like er lesson in of t me to fall in love sometion? t, t to tions hey had been before.

outside, t of t noe afteoon sunlig signs of nature coming back to life. trees outside ing for just t moment to uncoil and open to yet another summer season.

on tstand by ion of items t jamie o . tograpanding outside of sc day of kindergarten; tion of cards t c. sigop of tack.

ritten in crayon, it said simply:please get better soon. i miss you.

it mas eve. timents, but the child, roger, had drawn. hed drawn a bird, soaring above a rainbow.

c bear to look any furt tack back to er glass. i reacicle and sa it ter , i saure t aken of two of us.

it seemed so long ago. i brougicle nearer to my face. as i stared, i remembered t o pass. i kne. instead, i sa ime i sig aside the clipping.

till lay open to read some more. eventually i came across anot it said:i am not commanding you, but i to test ty of your love by comparing it to tness of others.

t as i to cry, t suddenly became clear.

god i o do.

i couldnt to ter, even if id ook every scut i could, racing tting t t too play, and alticularly good ate, on toppable, propelled by w i o do.

i didnt care ed care, eitered to a rying to catco toward his office.

looked up e me in, o obsessively. tered across tre traig t about jamie; t came to cry.

“reverend?“ i said softly.

ans i in anyway.

“id like to be alone,“ he croaked.

en, as es described in davids psalms. o keep up s around jamie, and tress of doing so was wearing him down.

i marc up to me before tuing back to the window.

“please,“ o me. one ed, as t rengto confront even me.

“id like to talk to you,“ i said firmly. “i ask unless it ant.”

sig in t in before, ake jamie out for new years eve.

ened as i told was on my mind.

tued to me. i dont kno say no. instead ued tohe window.

even oo so speak.

again i ran, again i didnt tire, my purpose giving me trengto go on. knocking, and t to see w .

before she could speak, i did.

“is s; i asked, euperrified at time.

“yes,“ tiously. “hen she woke up, she wondered where you were.”

i apologized for my dis mind leaving us alone. i o jamies room, partially closing t me knoing.

“; s, “thank you for coming back.”

i pulled up a c next to aking igomac to cry.

“i ; i said.

“i kno cant seem to anymore.”

“its okay, really.”

sed ly off t, then leaned forward and kissed her cheek as well.

“do you love me?“ i asked her.

s;yes.”

“do you me to be ; as i asked my beginning to race.

“of course i do.”

“ill you do somethen?”

sures. “i dont kno; she said.

“but if you could, would you?”

i cannot adequately describe tensity of t moment.

love, anger, sadness, oget me curiously, and my breat id never felt as strongly for anot t moment. as i retued ion made me i could make all t been possible, i o tell s, but tions inside me.

“yes,“ s someill full of promise. “i would.”

finally getting control of myself, i kissed my o ly running my fingers over tness of leness i saw in .

my t began to tig as i said, i kne t it o cure i ed to do was give sed.

it o do all along.

jamie, i understood t o find. sold me t outside mr. jenkinss office, t he play.

i smiled softly, and sued my affection squeeze of my rusting me in to do. encouraged, i leaned closer and took a deep breat floh.

“ill you marry me?”